Wednesday, July 28, 2004
today i got back my gp test paper and i didn't do that well for both comprehension and essay though i pass. the gp tutor looked at my essay and just commended that i should have done better and that she expects much more from me. i agree too, i didn't really put in all my effort into the paper.
Anyway, something happened yesterday and it made me rather irritated. the gp tutor just called me out of class and gave me a long whole speech about me not interacting with my class, claimed that i have spilt personality and said that she knew i wasn't i wasn't the kind of quiet or reserved shy type of girl. well, i really don't know whether i should say this. forgive me for being rude, but it really isnt my fault if i don't talk much in class, or even to my classmates during break. because......firstly, there's nothing to talk to them, besides homework. and after a while, it gets so boring. i mean even among them, i don't even know whether such thing such as class bonding is present. i mean look at the current situation, i doubt we even know each other well enough. if any one for the matter ask me to tell the truth, i can admit that i never do like the class, and in fact i am hating it day by day. its not that i hate the people in the class, but i really can't fit into it.
so now for all the gp group work i have to do it with another friend. i mean she's just making the situation. both of us are trying really hard to interact and mix with everyone and try to fix into the class. but no matter how hard i try, i think the class condition wouldn't help much either.
i really hate whichever bitch transferred me to that goddamn class. i hate it. get it into your head once and for all. people are too bothered about their own stuff to be concerned about any one else. look at this, when one of our classmates was terribly sick and couldn't come school for a few weeks, did anyone bother to visit her? everyone was too busy with their own work. i was thinking, if i was her, i don't even think i would be miss since i am even less significant in the class than her.
i was irritated because the teachers all claimed that i am not interacting with my classmates, and although i am new to the class, i should make an attempt to and it has already been months. but don't teachers see the other side of the whole picture. in have been trying very hard to, i join my class for breaks, but there isn't always a lot of things to talk but i still try to get myself involved with whatever goes arounf the table like pass a comment or so. people are too busy talking to the people in their own'small group. to everyone, i am just insignificant. why bother to try then. if i just keep my mouth shut one day in school, would anyone then try to talk to me, other than one sentence? i have nothing to say, but i hate the boring times that i am having now.
whatever. i am going to get out of there in a matter of a few moths. don't worry, i will never even bother to go for any class outings or whatever.
lee needed you at 28.7.04
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Sunday, July 25, 2004
just realised i haven't been blogging for more than a week. things been pretty busy nowadays...
had a maths and music test yesterday and i totally screwed them up. as in both of them. sigh...i even fell asleep during the music test although i haven't wrote finish my essays. die man...wonder what the teacher will say. anyway on the maths test, something happened (ok...i am not whinning..) but i am just so pissed off that i swear to take revenge. guess what happened....after the maths test were collected. the teacher called two guys to stand, and after he called out those two guys, he asked the lady in front of this guy to stand. And it turned out to be me. okieeee....i was like thinking what de hell did i do to ask me to stand in the middle of the hall with 300 something students. i mean i didn't do anything bad like cheating or talking during the test or whatever. So what de hell? nevermind...anyway to cut a long story short, it turned out that i was sitting in the place that was not destinated to my class. And you know what is the best thing?!! there were two of my classmates who were sitting behind me and he asked them to move forward....but not MEEEEEEE!!!! WHY????? why? the only reason i can think of, is because he did that on purpose. when he was like asking my two classmates to move in frony, i turned aroung also, but he never ask me even though he knew i was sitting in the wrong place and am supposed to be like sitting in front. NEVER did he. but what he did was, called my name (or rather called me the lady from 214) and made me stand up in the hall for about 5 minutes. sickening man...he just had to spoil my morning.
the weekends are going to be over, and i haven't done anything. i don't know but my weekends are really busy and i cant find them to do my work. but i did manage to catch up on my sleep (of cos when you don't have to go to school). next week going to be real busy...sigh how i wish weekends were be forever. yeah...as if man. keep dreaming..
lee needed you at 25.7.04
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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
I feel real bad now. it really sucks.
i remembered at the start of this year, i decided to take my diploma piano exam. at that time i was thinking, anyway i would be going for the A levels music practical exam, might as well take the exam at the same time since i can repeat the same songs. i thought it was managable, even though year 2 school life tend to be very busy. i thought it was something good to achieve...something that would give me a thing to be proud of myself.
but i guess it will never happened. i just change piano teacher. apparently he gave up on me, indirectly i guess. he had a long talk with my mom, told my mum that it would be better for me to learn from another teacher and said that he already tried his best. isn't it indirectly saying he i am hopeless? and as a matter of fact, i am. exam is like 1 month something away, and can't even play a line perfectly. all four pieces of song screwed up, and no one to help me. luckily he introduced another teacher and she was kind enough to accept me, after his recommendation. for that, i would forever be grateful to him. adding to that, prelims are like around the corner and i haven't started any solid revising. my concepts aren't even clear at all, which means that i am like so dead. and adding to all these, there's still my piano exam, and i would have to practice like real hard, and i plan to for 3 hrs every day. and adding to all this, there's still tons of homework to be done.
the new teacher asked me to perform my pieces to her next monday, and frankly speaking, its worse than shit. i haven't really had time to just sit down at the piano and practice, all thanks to the mountain of work. there's the composition portfolio to be done too. 3 compositions and we all haven't even started on the last one. the first two are not even fully completed yet. for once in my whole life, i am starting to worry about my piano exam.
most people practice like for 5 hours everyday, those good ones. i want to do that too, but i haven't got the time. really, five hours a day, not in the JC context i guess. i know everyone has lots of work to do, and everyone's kind of stressed up now, so i shouldn't be complaining. but i am not complaining about school. i am complaining about my piano. i don't seem to have the time to practice, all my pieces are screwed, and my exam is like around the corner. even if i would to re-draw from the exam now and take it next year, the exam cost like 400 bucks and it is non-refundable.
i just don't know. i don't want 14 years of learning piano to go to waste. i really want to do well in this exam but with all the stress from school, i can't seem to concentrate on it. there's so much to practice on, but school's taking so much of my time, i don't have time for it. there's the program notes to woory about too, a component of the exam and it is supposed to be written in a few thousand words. i don't know. i just don't seem to be handling the situation very well. everything in my life is kind of screwed up.
i really don't know. diploma piano exam- a failed dream?
lee needed you at 14.7.04
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Friday, July 09, 2004
argh. sick today. so didn't go school. well actually its just only a very bad sore throat, a persistant cough and a slight headache. but it was already bad enough.
so my day without school looks like this:
woke up at 11a.m., decided to sleep to 12p.m. but woke up at 1 p.m instead. after that i practiced piano a little bit, ate my lunch, bathe then went back to sleep. and so here i am, wondering how everyday would be like without school. i think i literally slept through the whole day. but no choice, i was coughing so badly during my sleep too.
so now i am actually for the first time in my life, worrying about my econs test the next day. i know for a fact that i am going to screw it up, and so i do not think there is point in studying. why take econs in the first place? i do not know. seems like everyone is struggling with it too.
and i got to admit something. i don't seem to get over him. kutu is right, i would have broken my pledge anyway. this is bad. i can't seem to forget him yet i must. i must really. i really don't know how to continue from here. seriously i don't think i can forget him completely. maybe i should just let nature take over and shall not worry too much.
right now, i think i am going to sleep again.
lee needed you at 9.7.04
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Tuesday, July 06, 2004
i guess to everything there must be a limit. and well i just want to set some limits for myself. i hereby delare that i am not going to like him anymore. why? the answer is obvious, cos there's no end to it. no result even if i continue to like him. you can't possibly force a person to like you. and i certainly don't like the thought of me forcing another person to like me. i mean even if he really likes me, then so what? there won't be any happy ending, not like those fairly tales that kids like to read.
he said i was the best girl he ever met. he even said that when he first knew me, i was just a normal girl. after he knew me better, i wasn't any normal girl anymore. these days i can't even hold a proper conversation with him. none of us feel like talking to one another, cos there isn't anything to talk about. maybe, from a neutual point of view, he's just trying his best to reject me. in a way he thinks is best. yes, guys do have mood swings too, but this is too much.
As the saying goes, its always better to be loved then to love someone. its true. its hurts when the person you really like, but yet you know that you have to let go. its totally wrong to like him in the first place. and much more wrong to even let my imagination go wild and thought he like me too. i really don't know whether he likes me. or maybe there are some other reason? such as things will get complicated between his dad, me and him? (his dad is my piano teacher). and that's why i said, its wrong to even fall in love with him in the first place. i mean if i happen to like one of my father's students, he will sure kill me too. well, but no matter what, a line has to be drawn somewhere.
I really don't know, i will just let fate decide. if fate is against us, well so be it. there's always much more to accomplish in life, besides all these so-called matters of the heart. after going through one disastrous relationship, i am always more careful with these things nowadays.
well, for my piano teacher's concert, which obviously he's going to be there, i am secretly decidating my Beethoven pathetique to him. and i will get over him soon i hope. i have to. there's no choice.
lee needed you at 6.7.04
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Saturday, July 03, 2004
i accompanied him today on the piano for his practical exam today, but in the end it was screwed. i thought the starting was good...but in the end we didn't end together. In the middle, he rushed and so i had no choice but to follow along. Then, cos his first piece was quite screwed up already (he memorised the entire piece but forgot some of his notes), he was in a bad mood. After everything finished, i told him that at the last part he must indicate to me how much he want to slow down. then he starting raising his voice at me. sigh...at that time i was quite pissed off...cos i dun like people to shout at me. so i raised my voice at him a little bit. but afterwards i thought that he was in a bad mood since he screwed up his pratical exam then when i mentioned it he just burst out. bad mood leading to bad temper. and the last person i want to quarrel with is him. die...how? i hope everything will turn out fine...
lee needed you at 3.7.04
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