Wednesday, September 29, 2004
i was talking to my mum today about nafa. come to think of it, i really regretted not going to nafa instead. now, i really feel that studying in a JC is really a waste of my time. because what i have been doing ever since i got into a JC is failing and failing all the way. i got the rare opportunity to bump into my econs teacher on the way to the toilet and she said,'free period huh?'i said yes. and then she asked me whether i had anything to ask and i said no because right at this point, i really have nothing to ask. and then she went on about how badly i did for the econs prelims and i think she was super mad at our class because our whole class failed econs mcq and no one pass overall. and guess what? i really do not care. i do not care about my eocns grades. i just hate econs. shit. i don't even know why i took it in the first place. its just ruining my life, i don't need to know about the economy, or how it functions or whatever crap about any of the policy. what good can it do to you?
and i am quite sad over my music marks. today, the teacher released our marks and all she can say to me was, you should have done better. indeed, i should have done better. i just don't know what happened. and i was the only person she said it to, means i am expected to perform much higher. the best thing is, meet the parents dialogue thing is next saturaday and looking at my state now, i am very sure i am going to have hell with my daddy. i'll probably have to explain why i choose to go to JC but fail instead. and then it will be a 2 hour lecture by him. i'm serious.
i've been such a disappointment. i tried to think i am smart and chose JC. i'm not that smart and i realised it. i'm dumb and yes i am. i'm probably just below average. i hate it. and have i told you, i really hate econs.
lee needed you at 29.9.04
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
sometimes i wonder to myself, what am i doing in a JC? failing all the way? or even ending up with an A level cert? and may i ask, what can a A level cert probably help you in the future. it won't help much because seriously in Singapore's context, nothing can be done with just an A level cert.
let me tell you this, sooner or later, the minimum qualification one must hold is at least a degree. those without a degree would be left behind in the job search. be realistic, we live in a paper-chase society, the higher your qualification, the easier to find a job and the more money you earn. sounds familar? its true.
Now what has the government done, promoting entreneurship here in these uncertain times? would an increase in entrepreneurs here in Singapore really help the economy? And why would the government even promote entreneurship? then may i ask, what has a JC education done to make people more like an entrepreneur? by the numerous number of tests and exams? let me say something, its too academic. So what if the government has done away with the JC ranking, with people claiming they aren't bothered by it. Doing away with the JC ranking is one thing, people's mindset is another. people will always view highly the so-called higher ranking JCs, which they know are good. after all, not any tom dick or harry can just enter into them. So what if the rankings of the JCs are gone? in people's mind, everyone knows which are the good JCs and the lousier JCs. you don't need to publish them in a newspaper for people to know, people already known it long ago.
i don't believe it. after all the efforts to promote this and that, nothing ever comes into place. the efforts to promote the arts and sports are so insignificant, no one hardly ever notices them. does anyone knows that there will be a new muisc school in the near future? and what has the sports school been doing, denying students with less than average results to enter even though they have the talent? so much for promoting the arts, even in a JC, there is no effort to be in line with this particular government mission. those who join a sports cca would get a higher cca point than a person who join a culture group. just like in my case, after 2 years in a choir, after a SYF competition and 2 concerts, my cca point is still a E. which means its only 1 point added.
building a silly durian called the esplanade doesn't help much. you can build something, but nothing ever goes on in there. performances are only held weekly, instead of other countries which hold performances daily. the esplanade doesn't function as a performing arts centre, in fact it is only a place for couples to stroll along the walkway, or rich kids to eat at the restaurants. and when there is even a performance going on, more than half of those who turnout are foreigners or your so-called ah-mohs.
i am not against the government or anything. this entry came about because i got a E for my cca, which is so pathetic. yes, seeing everyone getting a C or a D makes me jealous.
lee needed you at 28.9.04
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Monday, September 27, 2004
i'm blogging while waiting for the piano to be made available for me. yes, me and my two brothers need to fight and book the piano in advance to practice.
Anyway, today was a return to school after so long, which means a return to lessons too. i don't know any of my results, save for maths which i failed (only 21.6% of the whole maths cohort passed). but surprisingly, even though i failed i didn't feel sad at all. no feelings. maybe just too used to it (hah!). And i also know i passed gp, which i thought wasn't that great at all.
talking about results, econs is a goner too as i heard many failed the essay paper, which isn't surprising at all. As for music, i have no idea. and as for my dip. piano exam, every year only 20% of the people passed, which means my chances of passing are rather slim too.
now, why am i posing all my results here. gosh. its just a waste of another entry, as the results proved to be a disappointment once again.
lee needed you at 27.9.04
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Saturday, September 25, 2004
i just got home. its going to be a real quick entry because there's so much stuff waiting for me to be done.
i got a new pair of shoes yesterday, actually it was my very belated birthday present. Anyway thank you pat,jun,dalin and qian for the present. i agree i am undecisive (hah!) but that's because i'm a girl and all girls are undecisive just like me. one thing for sure: i love that pair of shoes. its so nice, i'm going wear to church tomorrow.
if you are ever bored, go read this book by Lesley Peasrse called 'Trust me'. the cover of the book doesnt seem very nice, but its such a great story. its so touching, i bet anyone who reads it would just cry in tears. i did. when i was reading it at night, and i just kept crying for no reason. and its not pms. i was reading it for the whole night, couldn't put that book away and sleep. now, that probably goes to show how nice the book is.'
as promised, its a super short entry. but i'll probably write more tomorrow. go grab that book and read.
lee needed you at 25.9.04
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Thursday, September 23, 2004
s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d.
yes, i'm stressed, even after prelims. and when everyone's playing and having the time in the world, i'm stressed. i hate stress, it's killing me. i hate stress, but i can't elimate it. when there's stress, it attacks me although i just don't show it out at all.
i know i'm quite blessed in the sense that i only do get stress over work, but its enough to kill me. results are all going to be out on monday. but i really don't care. what results to expect, i know best. and that's why i hate seeing people cry over their results. whatever results you get, you deserve them. its just like crying over spilled milk. there's no point to get upset or whatever (although there's a soft spot of me)
i'm quite stressed. 13 oct is coming soon, and that's the day when i got to hand in my music portfolio to cambridge for the big As. and frankly speaking, its in a mess and there's so much catching up to do. i bet i'm the worst. and i think they might be just heartless to give me a straight F. that will be the end of my future then.
i was talking to him online one day, and of all people he was the one who asked me to get some confidence for myself. stop crying over spilled milk and be confident of myself. that was like a tight slap across my face. for a fact, its coming from him, and another, no one has ever told me that before. everyone's been telling me that i am lousy, and for a while i felt that i was lousy too. his words just shocked me, and well i just didn't now how to reply him. after some time, i just told him, ''maybe''.
i don't want to be bothered about all these now. i am just going to think of meeting jun, qian, pat and dalin tomorrow. we sure do have a lot of catching up to do, don't we? and a more than one- month belated birthday celebration. *grins.
lee needed you at 23.9.04
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Wednesday, September 22, 2004
some random thoughts...
life is fragile.
i was reading the newspapers today. Dr diana young, aged 45, CEO of aero space teachnology passed away in an accident in china yesterday. she was called home to be with the Lord. isn't life so fragile, one minute you can be enjoying your fame, wealth and money, and the next moment, everything's gone. At least she's in heaven with the Lord now.
my daddy heard her gave a business talk before, and he said its real good. after all, she was the woman entrepreneur of the year before. i really admire these kind of people. determined, hardworking and humble. she probably deserve all that she has today. it like wow, CEO of a big company. gosh. but you never know, do you? only God knows what the future holds for us. and only God knows what's our life like tomorrow. life is so uncertain and so fragile. you really never know when you are going to leave this world. you can never predict what tomorrow holds for us. just like her, one minute she's probably on her way to a business meeting, and the next thing, she's gone. to a better world.
like what michelle shared, life's too short for us to hold any grudges against anyone. you never know when your last goodbye will be? just like her daughter, her last goodbye at the airport to her mum was the last goodbye ever. since life is so short and unpredictable, shouldn't we just treasure it even more?
but no, i see people wasting their life away. smoking, taking drugs, not giving any thought to the precious life that was given to them. i see people harbouring hatred toward another, having enemies everywhere, not treasuring their friends at all. i see kids quarrelling with their parents, not treasuring this special family relationship they have at all. i see siblings, brothers and sisters fighting with each other. you never know do you, when your last dinner with your parents might be? when your last conversation with your friends might be? or maybe before you realise it, its too late already.
never take life for granted. i have witnessed a friend losing her mum, and it just broke a chord in my heart. fancy losing your mum at such a tender age. i can't imagine it. you may blame life being so unfair. but i think God is fair. he's always fair. life may be unfair, but its how we see it.
i'll learnt, not to hold any grudges against another. However deep they may hate you, after all its their own loss. hating another person makes you feel terrible, it makes your life so unhappy as a result. i'll learnt also, that sometimes its alright to say i'm sorry. its all right to make mistakes. everyone do make mistakes, but learn from them and be a much happier person.
i don't know whether i should share this, so openly here. i did hate her before. i hated her because a teacher compared me to her over a stupid small, insignificant and small test. i really do hate it when people compare me to another person, when that person i am being compared to is much worse off than me. i will just end up disliking the person, and the thing is i haven't been really talking to her. i mean if teachers do compare me with a straight As, hardworking person, i will just take it happily. i won her already, proven it to the teacher that i could do much better than her secretly. but its just the way the teacher compared me to her that made me so unsettled with even my own feelings. its probably just a small little thing but whatever it is, it's been quite some time and besides like i said, i don't want to go about regreting life anymore.
lee needed you at 22.9.04
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Tuesday, September 21, 2004
have i said it already? prelims ended today! horraay.
today was probably the most tiring day. but on a nicer note, it was the last day of prelims. i had three papers today, had econs p1 and 2 in the morning, and then in the afternoon i had music paper. prelims ended finally (ooops, i am saying it for a thousand times), but i am so glad. so sad the rest still have lit (hah!), while i can party all night!
lee needed you at 21.9.04
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Monday, September 20, 2004
i'm bored. and i'm stuck alone at home. just woke up, and while others are away at school or having exams, i'm here at home doing nothing.
i hate times like this, when you feel so lonely, so empty. and probably the only thing that will ever keep you accompany is work. my music is a goner, it has been ever since i took it. i just declared it to myself, i don't think i understand anything or can even write a proper essay for that matter.
yes. lonely with an empty feeling. how many times have people felt that way too. i wonder.
and i wonder to myself, how many people actually cared about you. how many people actually go up to ask you, how was your day or something like that. how many people actually bother asking why you were feeling so blue, when you don't look too good. how many times do people actually bother and care about you?
people are so caught up with things of their own. this small little world of theirs. its like they have no time for others. its just their own world. not one shared with other people. don't they realised that by sharing, they gain more and will probably not feel that rejected after all.
its just makes me realised, how little i know of other people. some whom you may have known for years and almost grew up together. people may see each other frequently, some may see them almost everyday. but at the end of the day, i don't think we know as much of that person as we think we knew.
a friend read my blog for the first time and was amazed at how i see things in life. and that's why i'm always smiling, she says. but don't you think people too puts on a brave front sometimes. things on the surface might not be what they seem to be.
i haven't seen him around in school anymore. because of the fact that our timetable never clashes. even if we do meet, its probably like for a while, and there's nothing to say to each other anymore. the last thing i know is, he moved house. end of story.
i hate it when i get rejected. i'll probably have to say to myself, move on girl. move on.
move on.
move on.
move on.
i do yearn for a proper conversation with him, that least before i leave the school for good. i'll probably still meet him ocassionally, but for different purposes altogether. maybe i'll probably avoid him so as not to get this weird and funny feeling. the feeling of rejection.
come to think of it, i don't know whether he still remembers me. and probably how i am remembered as? probably, a girl that worth nothing. or probably he doesn't remember me at all. i rather he not remember me at all. that way i can forget about him too.
why are all these thoughts coming to me all of a sudden. probably because i was studying music. and you see, he's somewhat related to it.
lee needed you at 20.9.04
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Sunday, September 19, 2004
time flies. tomorrow will be the start of a new week.
3 papers down, and three more to go. hurry. i want prelims to end soon. i want to play.
i got a new template, got bored with the old one. i thought this was nicer, sweeter and much more me. i'll probably stick with this one, till i can find a better one.
this week's probably the most *ahem happening week. but much wasn't good stuff anyway. i'm not going to talk about it anymore or give a damn about it. i'm just going to put everything behind and since its already up to this point, there's no remedy. so i'm just going to go whatever at the next insult on my tagboard. friday was probably the most terrible day, due to a terrible paper. i hate economies, and i will tell anyone who dares to take it. its rubbish, and its a waste of your time. economies is useless unless you want to go into the business world or study economies at a higher level. otherwise, all you learn will just be crap. it kills my brain cells. i stayed up the whole night learning economies, and most of the topics didn't come up. i ended up completing only 2 and a half of the 3 questions. so i probably screwed it up again.
i returned home rather moody. i don't know why. dinner at home was terrible. the vegetables tasted like straw, i hate the fish and the chicken was rather hard. adding on to that, my mom started this whole nagging business, i don't know for what. anyway got quite fed up, and more fed up with myself. and then i opened my music book, took a look and closed it again.i like music but i just got so sick of studying. stress? i don't feel any stress. i'll probably reserve it for the big As.
so now, i havent touched a thing on music, and probably the others have. i don't want to be far behind, i rather be ahead. maybe a trip down to esplanade library will help. i like the atmosphere and the seats near the window.
but for now, i got to head down to church.
lee needed you at 19.9.04
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Thursday, September 16, 2004
forget about the last two entries. it was just a situation in which a guy had to ask his girl to stand up for him instead of facing the situation alone. its between me and him. not his girlfriend, him and me. why rope in another girl? why be so INMATURE? why can't just stand on your own feet and say whatever you want to say straight in my face. why depend on a girl? how childlish.and in any case if a girl is needed to help you, choose a better more mature sensible girl, not one 17 year old girl whom you only known for a few months. not one who floods my tagboard. one who speaks and writes sensible english.
i took a break from studying and saw this in my classmates blog: life is full of regrets. true, regrets are one thing, forgetting about your regrets and turning your regrets into something positive is another.Don't dwell in you self pity. my life isn't messed up. i love my life and it never changes. my life doesn't change when a guy leaves me. it doesn't. it fact, my life had became better. so in the first place, my life is never messed up and so i don't blame people for my life now. who started this whole thing? the person or people who wrote insults on my tagboard. i didn't do anything to make them hate me. i just continued with life. ever since i said: let's break up to him, we barely met, or should i say never at all. so how would you know that my life is messed up, and should i say how would you know anything about my life ever since after that point.
regrets. want to know my biggest regrets? it is knowing you during my pri.sch days, saying yes to be your girlfriend and wasting my time and money with and on you. but i never dwell on my regrets. i forget about him, and start a new life all over again. and people who claims that others are boasting is because they are jealous of them. there is a strong difference between being proud of what you have and showing off. if you think i am showing off, go ahead. but i am just proud of what i have, that's all.
what is love? it isn't all about darling here and honey there, its about committment, trust and responsibilty. it about something much bigger than just the hugs and kisses to one another. its something much more than just buying gifts for each other. no one during their teenage years can say they know everything about love and relationships, because we are still young and we got so much more to learn. just like in any teenage year, we are in the process of experimenting different things, or seeking and learning new things.
i hate ex-boyfriend who talks bad about their previous girlfriend to their present one. i hate those who tell lies and brainwash their girl with facts that are lies actually. i never ever hate you in the first place. if you must feel like hating me, go ahead. but i never allow myself to hate someone just because of such behaviour. if you feel that you just add someone to your enemies list, i won't stop you. but i never treated you as a enemy.
this is my another entry wasted on talking stuff with people who don't seem to understand and saying that you are the childlish one. my last entry.
lee needed you at 16.9.04
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Wednesday, September 15, 2004
replies to taggers (i can't seem to tag on my tagboard):
qian: yeah, screw her. she's just a mad insane girl who don't even know me except her darling was once owned by me. so she's jealous huh. get a life man. there's always better ways to hurl remarks at me, not like what you did, intruding into other people's blog. that's such an uneducated way of insulting people.
liv: hey girl, so long never see you already. i bet you feel the same way as i am but hey we don't care about such people do we? if they feel bothered about what i write in my blog, speak it out in yours. no use flooding their tagboard with accusations. its not going to work. it just makes you seem so childlish, one with no brains.
kutu: hey how was maths today? the thing is she just doesn't seem to fuck off from my blog, and she goes around claiming in my tagboard that i am childlish. who is she to say that man. we hate people like her, don't we?
qi: i sure do have my freedom of speech. and what's more, this is my blog. i can say anything i damn well like. i am never affected by people who claim i have no inner and outer beauty and that's why her guy dump me. oh please for heaven sake, some people just can't get their facts right, isn't it? or maybe her darling could be lying to her for all i know. i DUMPED him, and for goodness sake, ask your darling then why am i his first crush, his first love, his first girlfriend. get your facts straight before you even insult people like this.
mx: there's something wrong with her brain. she can't seem to be thinking at all. what can we say about people like her. stop your childlish behaviour and get a life man!
nalph: hey thanks for your listening ear or whatever. now you know how two different people have two different sides to them. the guy behind all this, he's not a friend even. at least you are a gentleman *ahem*. at least you know how to treat her with respect and don't brainwash people with something he wants her to believe. at least you don't do this to a girl. i agree she looks like an ah-lian. but that's why they are an item. an ah-lian and a ah-bitch. a bitch and a bastard. all the best for your prelims. study hard and don't play computer games so often (hah!)
my bro: hey you are still quite young and don't know the world out there. but one day you will know. and one day you will encounter people like her or him. believe me, just hack care about him because such inmature people are not worth our time at all.
the world seem to be turning upside down, turning the other way round. if i remembered, it was a face-to-face fight and insults with people you don't seem to like for no reason at all and who are not related to you at all. but now, look what we got here, someone flooding my tagboard with insults as if this is her damn blog. must i introduce them? oh..no need i guess. people already know who you are and how you look like. as for your guy, people have seen him personally before even and they damn well know who is he. since we belong to the girls gender, there something i want to tell you. think for yourself if you have brains. if your present guy whom you call your darling can hate and insult his once girlfriend whom he knew since pri.sch, what if both of you break up, he will surely do this to you too you know.
maths paper was a killer today. the school raised the standard damn high. a way of killing students and making them feel stressed and screwed for the paper. tomorrow's paper two, hope its easier. and hope i can score to cover for today's paper.
hope. i am just clinging on to hope here.
lee needed you at 15.9.04
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Tuesday, September 14, 2004
my oh mine, is there a war or something? some kind of war between a bitch who doesn't even know me personally but who condemns me with ten tag messages on my tagboard? my oh mine, i don't even know that bitch, so why on earth are you scolding me on my tagboard. want to fight it out, ask you sweet little darling to come my house look for me. if he got the guts. even my parents hate his freaking balls right now. got the guts, come my house, face me. if he doesn't dare, then you girlfriend of his just shut up and mind your own business. just care about your boyfriend and make sure he doesn't have any affairs or sex with any girls in kallang. why, maybe you are pregnant just this minute?
actually i don't give a damn about you and your boyfriend. and i didn't pry into your boyfriend's life, all i know is he got you as his girlfriend. no wonder both of you make such a good couple. a bitch and a bastard. perfect. how do you expect me not to know when he puts a friendster picture. so you mean i pry into his life. oh give me a break, i don't give a damn about your boyfriend, you can happily go screw him up.
oh i can't achieve it, what makes you think so. you don't even know me. so can you achieve it? your family is poor, well according to you. and i know your sweet little darling there has a mom who screw his dad and married another who smokes like a chimney and gambles like a loser. want to compare money huh. i am stating facts here. fine i am a spoilt brat, well, i love it. i love being spoilt, so any big business or problem of yours? at least i get to live comfortably, not like some bastard who can't even afford poly fees, much less university fees. i have parents who can send me to overseas for further studies.
poly kids, don't talk so much. wait till i ask my daddy to take you out of your poly. he's a poly teacher by the way. that least i have educated parents with a doctorate degree better than dad who can't speak a word of english and who raised a bastard.
still reading my blog, well hope you are enjoying it. there's still more. and oh, i am not insulting anyone, just stating facts. at least i agrue based on facts. i hate people like you who can't even achieve anything to look down on me. this world is all about qualification girl. no qualifictions, no money, no talk. can you predict the future? so how you know i can't achieve it. and oh, wat qualification can you think of for your boyfriend when he didn't study hard in the first place and got retain. note that at this point, i have nothing against you. just against that guy of yours. if you want to hate me, go ahead.
i am still single for goodness sake. get your facts right before trying to insult me. at least i don't go screwing other girls. actually i don't have a thing against you. just against that jerk of yours. there's no need to argue for him, no need to stand up for him. just ask your jerk guy to settle it himself. its his and my problem, so just fuck off. step aside you little bitch.
lee needed you at 14.9.04
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Sunday, September 12, 2004
holidays are soon going to be over. time really flies. luckily there's still mon and tues left to mug for prelims. i am scared for prelims. i cannot screw it up.
i thought a lot yesterday night. i gave up studying, went to bed with my favourite dino and thought about stuff. i guess its time i start blaming things on myself. its time i stop putting the blame on others just because its the easy way out. its time i start to solve any grudge i have hidden in my heart, its time to forgive and forget. and its time i take the guilt on myself rather than just pushing it to people.
its time i thought, to stop hating. it never gets you anywhere. its makes you feel even more miserable. more depressed. i want to be the happy old me, to stop putting a brave front to other people.
i miss the good old days, esp.part of my childhood in england when i was young. life now at home is so different from what it used to be. time past by, time has changed and people changed too. i was looking through the photo album the other day, the big huge one at the end of the cupboard. its like collecting dust there, but i took it down anyway and flip through it. my childhood photos. then i was still an only child. one photo strucked me, a photo i took with my mum and dad with me high on my dad's shoulder, during my dad's graduation day. i look happy, contented and free from the worries of the old.
i love my childhood and now it has become part of my memories that i will never forget. its just like my memories with him, that has been stored somewhere deep in my heart. and just like all memories, i will never forget it. i don't hate you. life has to go on and isn't getting a new gf a part of carrying on with life? maybe we can be friends again. i don't know. things has reached to a certain stage that its hard to unwind everything and wish that some things will never happen. how i hope it can be possible. but we got to face reality.
a few years back, i still remember all the silly little family outings that we have. we went swimming in the pool together, followed by a treat from dear old daddy, we sang songs and laughed together, we went to the zoo, sat a cable car together going to sentosa. we did silly things as a family. i still remember times such as this, daddy will always help me with my maths and claiming that i am hopeless (hah!), and i stilll remember him bringing me for piano lessons every week and fetching me back in which we will always go eat together. memories are there. but such things are gone now.
everyone's got their own life now. i got work, my mom got her household chores, my brothers are loaded with school stuff. and my dad, he's just so busy and caught up in the world of his own. gone were the family outings. gone were the family hang outs we go to. but there's still family dinner. but it seems like its sliping away too. my dad's on some sort of business now, on top of his lecturing job, so its hectic for him and he comes home late, and most probably in a sulky mood. its true that there's more money to spend as the result of all this, but what good can money bring to you. i rather trade all the money for the family times we had.
its sad isn't it. how money can break up families, break up couples who constantly quarrel over money. i thought its never going to happen right in my own family. but i think its happening. and i don't want it to happen.
what good does more money bring to you. there are so many rich people who are still so miserable in their life. isn't it inevident that owning a lot of money isn't that important. how i wish my daddy could see this. how i wish he realise it fast enough. how i wish we were back to the old days.
i am pretty stressed up now. today at church, dear carol surprised me with this hand written card she gave me. and i felt really comforted. tired though i may be, i felt comforted at her words and i was touched that people cared. she's such a nice friend and a dear sister in christ whom i regret not knowing her better though we pratically grew up together in church. its great whhen people just drop a note encouraging you and with all these happening and exams just around the corner, it makes a difference in people's lives. just like your note as to me. thanks a lot.
lee needed you at 12.9.04
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Friday, September 10, 2004
if anyone would to tell me, that the world is a small place. i would agree, without any hesitation.
i don't want to give much details, but i stumbled upon his blog and it was linked to his current girlfriend blog. oh well, am supposed to be studying but this just eats at my curiousity and anyway it was just a click away. so i went into his blog, there was no entries, just a picture of him and his girl. nvm, and since it was just another click away, i went to his gf blog. and so this is how i felt.
at first i felt jealous. she wrote about her birthday, how he celebrated for her, bought a cake, bake cookies for her and buying a big present for her. any girl who is single and never going to be attached will feel the same way, and that's just me. but jealousy soon turned to hatred, and so now i hate it him even more.
maybe you can say i am psychologically mad or whatever. but i just hate the fact that he screwed up almost my entire life, but now he's enjoying his life with another girl? where on earth is there such a logic? and even for my birthday, considering the fact that we were very close last time, did he give a shit. no. and to think that i even bothered buying him a present. am i stupid or what.
to get one fact clear, hell i did get over him. after like one month. and i did forgive and forget but when he said he wasn't going to get another gf for the next 5 years or whatever shit, and when after i don't know how many weeks or days he got other one, i just felt so cheated. but then i thought, so what i am over him, his business is not my problem. screw him and his girl. who cares.
but then there was this nagging feeling within me, why did he get away so easily? he's supposed to be the one crying, depressed but instead he was so happily dating away. why is life so ever unfair? i couldn't take it. i just had to prove him and others who think i am so depressed about him.
i worked out a plan. firstly i must get it through A levels with like super good grades. and being aware that a A level cert. i would to more to gain higher rankings. then the rest i got a rough plan but first i must get it through A levels first. i got all this sorted out long ago. i got to prove it. i am better off without him.
hell, i would love to drive my new bmw car in the future, deliberately wait below his flat, and maybe drive beside his dad's lorry. i would love to show off my money, my credit cards whatever, to tell you i am so much better than you. and since money isn't everything, well i am fully aware. i got a good, loving and close family. parents whose social status and educational status are much more better than his. a better education. and a richer family who gives me everything i damn please like having and could afford my universary fees. and for goodness sake, i am not trying to boast.
i don't know why i am feeling this way too. but i guess its just human nature after all. maybe its just a phrase of life i got to get through. i don't know.
i don't give a damn whether you are reading this. its my blog, damn it. its my thoughts, my feelings whatever.
i wrote this on fri but posted it after midnight.
lee needed you at 10.9.04
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Tuesday, September 07, 2004
sad to say, i am made to believe that my holidays are actually study breaks in reality. yes. i am talking about the big As. its not that big actually, considering the fact that prelims are just after this week. scary isn't it. i think i am just going fluck the whole of prelims. ( i mean choy!) but its just so unpredictable.
so i decided that holidays should be productive but i just don't know where to begin. i dread maths and economics and music just reminds me of my failed piano exam today. i tried studying econs but it just makes me sick. its just one subject which i wish i never ever took it in the first place. sloman's econs book left untouched on my table, cluttered with many papers i have no idea what is written on it. my whole table gives the impression that a hardworking, diligent girl works hard there. but i am not. neither am i smart. that's a big problem. my holidays are all burnt out. nothing much to do anyway. its boring, and its killing me.
this is the most boring holidays i ever had. maybe i will catch a movie with my friends sometime soon. i don't know how to describe today. and i don't want to remember anything about today. on my way for piano exam, there was this traffic jam, of all things. we were running late and i even heard my dad cursing for the first time. luckily managed to make it in time. thanks goodness. and the traffic jam was all due to a broken down bus stuck in the middle of the road. argh.
i was scared, nervous and what-nots. but thankfully my legs managed to carry my body up the stairs to the platform. i shake my cold shivering hands with both examiners. my recital wasn't that bad. but it wasn't perfect either. and i am terribly upset. i can't say its good, since it didn't reached perfection. maybe i did put too much pressure on myself, and so i didn't perform my best. i don't know. no use thinking about it either. its all over. thank goodness.
lee needed you at 7.9.04
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Saturday, September 04, 2004
arghhhhhhh. fed up. i left my nike shoes outside and this morning when i was hurrying to school. look at the shoeracka nd couldn't find my shoes. i searched high and low but there was no sight of it. i had an exam in the morning. so fed up. started cursing whosoever took my shoes. in the end had no choice but to wear my brother's shoes to school. argh.
i got a feeling its my neighbour. ever since they moved in, things get missing. if i don't suspect them, who else to suspect man. there were my brothers' and father's nike shoes outside too but they had to take mine. i really hope they are feeling this guilty conscience that they have taken something that doesn't belong to them. but theives don't have such conscience, if not they wouldn't steal in the first place. did i ever say i hate that neighbour's son too. he stupid and dumb and that's why he's in ITE. a place for dumb people like him. sometimes when i get home, he would just sit on the stairs and so i would walk up the stairs and he would look at me as if he never ever since a girl before. what's his problem man. i seriously think he's a pervert.
but nevermind. that means i can get a new pair form my dad.
yesterday i pon school. it was a good choice i heard. the loss of my shoes made me in a bad mood so i wasn't in a good mood for my exam today. yes. i blame it on the missing shoes.
lee needed you at 4.9.04
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Wednesday, September 01, 2004
i realised i am hopeless in maths last night. stayed up the whole night doing and learning maths (yeah, last min. work) but i dun think i seriously have improved much. today went to jurong east library to study with my friends (its a very nice place to study), but that guard kept trying to chase us out. in the end, we got so paranoid of her that we had to fake that we were using the reference books. anyway, can say that today was a rather productive day.
tomorrow there's gp prelims (oh man). really hope something on education comes out, then i probably can score. i love writing essays on education, don't know why too.
teacher's day was so boring. our school's teacher's day celebration was so lousy. seriously, just ask anyone from my school, it suxs. girls who can't dance and guys who sing and make a fool out of themselves, much to the amusement of everyone. maybe that's why not much ex-students came back anyway. i got my econs, music and gp teacher a present. or should i say its a cheap but meaningful and erm creative present. i gave then each a green apple (something that none in my family wants to eat), wrote a poem to them each and tied it to the stalk of the apple. the final product was wrapped up in some nice orange wrapping paper (recycled from the remains of my birthday present). haha. so actually i didn't spent a cent, budget man. haha.
hearing Beethoven's moonlight and pathetique sonata now, which reminds me, i only got six more days to my piano exam. but unlike maths, i didn't practice last-minute. its a consistent two-year effort. well, just hope i can make it, not get so nervous and worked up, which most probably would be the case.
sigh. sigh. sigh.
lee needed you at 1.9.04
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