Thursday, November 25, 2004
i woke up to the sound of the phone ringing away. i cursed whosoever called me up early in the morning and went to answer the phone. it was one of my friends from my music class. and the thing was it seems like his friends from tjc thinks i will not pass that essay questions anymore. i will probably get less than 15/30 but not less than 10. it probably stated my mood for the entire day.
and oh wells, i know there's no use in looking back at the past. and its gone. just like this. and so i'll probably not be able to cheer up for a long time. i'll be going to malaysia tonight (and i havent packed yet...ohhhh no!). but hopeful i will be able to cheer up after the trip. any msgs just drop it in my email box(thanks...will be back on 29th).
anyway it really dawns on me suddenly what true friends really mean. some whom you never really talk to in your daily lives, but their actions really shown that they care for you dearly. i guess in this world there are always people who pass by your way but some who really stays in your mind.
lee needed you at 25.11.04
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Tuesday, November 23, 2004
i couldn't help but teared after the papers were collected. i tried to stop the tears from coming down, but after the teacher went asking, how did we do...and everyone started talking so happily about it, i couldn't help but cry when i was being asked. my only hope for an A, is gone.
it's all my fault to begin with. the question was "compare two concertos by any of the nineteenth century composers that wrote any for the string instruments" i didn't see the word string, which is very important and went on to talk about piano(which is clearly not a string instrument). so that's it. end of story. i realised it only about 45 mins before the time ended (and i haven't do my other essay yet). i went like SHITTTT. but then i realised there's still 45 mins left, not enough time to do two essays but enough time to at least correct the mistakes. i almost teared then, i had already written 7 pages for my that essay, only to find that i didn't notice the word string. it was a real good essay.
i rushed through my other essay, finishing it in 35 mins which most people would normally complete in 45 mins. then i quickily tried correcting my errors, changing piano to violin. i tried changing the examples too from piano concertos to violin examples but 10 mins is a really short time, can't finish correcting. time's up. and that was then end of me.
thanks to those who cheered up me. it does make it seems better after after all i'm still sad. its an exam that's going to determine my future and because of that small mistake, its gone. i'll be sad for a while. and i really couldn't help it. the invilgator was really nice, she gave me a packet of tissue. when i returned it to her, she smiled at me and i said thanks. i tried my best, but its a real pity. i don't think i'll eb able to get over such stuff in a real long time.
lee needed you at 23.11.04
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Monday, November 22, 2004
in a really bad mood now.
i couldn't help being late at all. its not my fault at all...get it. as usual for all my morning papers, i waited downstairs for a regular cab to bring me to school. all were either hired or on call. i was like dammit. at 7.20, no cab wanted to bring a poor me to school, so quickly i made my way to the taxi stand quite near my place. there were upon a few people waiting. the first three didn't let me go first even after i emphasised that i was taking an A level exam soon. only the fourth person, a nice smiling lady allowed me to go before her. the worst thing was, the guy in front of me went like ïalso late already leh". u get the meaning. some people that are just so self-centered with hints of broken english. taxis arrived really slow, as most were hired or on call again.
by the time that guy went in a cab, it was already about 7.35. i went dammit shit. by 7.45 i was already on the verge of tears. if a taxi didnt come like 5 mins later, i would haven already broke down and cried. luckily it was mcq, so not too bad. the person gave me additional 3 minutes.
i wasn't even in a mood to start off with. it was terrible. the taxi driver was real nice. he said not to worry, he will get me there in the meantime. shessh, and i was nearly on the verge of tears and i think he speeded a little on the expressway. then when i arrived at school, the gate was locked(the school is terrible), so in the ended i had to run all the way to the exam hall.
as i said, lukily it was mcq. i think that ah-mi-nah called my house, and so without any doubt i got a scolding from my dad. you probably can't imagine it, after coming home from exam, you get this kind of stuff of home. and econs paper would most like be screwed, cos i wasn't in the mood of exam.
my fate lies tomorrow man. shessh, its so stress! i got to get an A tomorrow, not a B. according to the history of A level music, students either get an A or B. who knows maybe i will break the record and get a C. isn't it quite honoured to be the first to break the record?
WAAHHAHAHAHHA. tomor's my last paper! and after that, is PLAY. i'll not be in singapore form the 25th nov to 29th nov. till then, miss me. and for those people STILL taking As, good luck and all the best.
lee needed you at 22.11.04
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Wednesday, November 17, 2004
it's been ages since i last posted an entry. so just a quick update.
the As started, and i'm probably near the end of it. just three more papers left. and i think i'm quite lucky in the sense that i end earlier then most of my friends.
i don't think there's much to say about the papers. what's done is done. but i shall whine about them, since there's nothing much to talk about too.
maths was terrible. i didn't finish paper one. paper two had some funny questions. i tried, but i doubt my answers were correct. anyway to hell with maths. it was all over a few days ago. had econs essay exam today. i mug the whole night for econs. spotted quite a lot. and thanks God, i managed it quite okie. i don't think i did very well, just okie. but still, i'm quite glad. its econs anyway, i hate it. and by mon, it's going to be OUT OF MY LIFE.
there's three more papers left. just hoping for the best. anyway, the outcome of it will be unknown, till 4 months later.
lee needed you at 17.11.04
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Tuesday, November 02, 2004
its two days away from the big As. and hell, i'm scared.
i'm scrared that i'll probably screw it up and end up in some remote area sweeping the floors. i'm scared of not doing well, of having a screwed up future. i'm scared that everything which i hope for will just vanish away.
i have heard enough for failure stories and i do think i'll just end up like them. or probably much worse. i'll probably just flunk my As and that's the end of me.
i'm real stressed now. but i don't want to talk about it. not here. not anywhere. i don't want to talk about it to anyone. i was talking to a friend online that day and call me emotional if you must, but i cried. i cried while talking to him. i don't know why but i think emotions just got control over me and i couldn't stop the tears.
i know i have been a disappointment in life. i haven't achieve anything at all in my life. and i'm no-one great at all. i'm just an ordinary person. and i'm in a really bad mood.
it didn't help that you scolded me, or lectured me or whatever. none concerns me either. you can just go on with your....i want 3As from my daughter. you can just go on with your....my daughter is dumb. yes true, i never do think that i'm hardworking or smart like you. i'll probably not achieve even the smallest thing. this is probably the end of my path. yes its true, everything's over. and so what if i get good results. to you, i'll probably be still dumb and i'll probably not be able to go anywhere. if results are all that matter to you, go ahead and make me feel miserable again. it does makes sense doesn't it, that i got your bad temper but not your good brains.
i hate it. why do i have to feel so stressed about my failing results here. i hate expectations. they just make me sick. don't think you can go on encouraging me like this. i feel depressed right now.
music practical went quite alright i guess. just that i was sweating while playing. the aircon was so hot. i was starting to think hot could that ah-moh stand the heat in the room when i was told he took of his jacket and tie when the last person played. but then again, it wasn't perfect. gp exam is this thursday and i'll probably do badly. my english standard has been dropping ever since god knows when. i remembered when i just came back from england and in school when the teacher asked me what was my chinese name.....i was like huh? i didn't even know my chinese name existed. those were the days. but now my english is getting like bad though. such a pity. (not like my chinese is any better)
everything's like so screwed up. you know what, i'll rather go to the army then sit at home thinking where i can possibly go (i'll probably end up nowhere). and then i'll probably feel depressed over myself because i can't do what i want. i'll probably end up somewhere on the streets just like what daddy says, sweeping the floors because no one wants me.
i really don't know what i want to do from now. i hate studying. it makes me sick. and i will never get anywhere. i hate people who just looks at your resluts slip and just go on and on about how you will probably fail. no one get all this shit except for me. i'll probably be your (uselss) girl. never daddy's girl. never a smart and hardworking girl.
dammit. if you think i'll stupid. fine. but i do want to further my music. its my dream dammit. i would not allow anyone to deny me of this. unless as i said. i am hopeless. just i am.
i'm depressed. i'm stressed. it doesn't help when stress is piling up at home. just don't bother comforting me. i'm screwing up my life. just leave me alone.
lee needed you at 2.11.04
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