Sunday, July 31, 2005
i'm not a sore loser. then why am i acting like one now? and then why does it seem to be that i've lost everything when actually i haven't. i feel like laughing, too good to be appreciated? what a joke. opportunities come and go. i've lost it. my fault. yes my fault. but then nothing happens by chance and everything happens for a reason. oh no what am i bladdering about.
yes i do feel appreciated. i mean its fine with me but jealousy is just such a damned creature and i don't like it but i don't know whatever to do about it. and everything just bolis down to my heart. i can't. now tell me i'm just a sore loser.
life is all about choices. someone makes a choice, should i just respect it, and move on. but i just feel as if i've lost. don't know why too i dun feel like talking about it, don't feel like doing anything about it. just feel like thinking about it. and then maybe when i thought enough, i'll probably do something about it then. after all, actions speak louder than words.
..............
i'm so sorry about not blogging for such a long time. school life is so hectic and plus there's all my teaching engagements and i so wanted to die. thanks for all the encouragements and what-nots. i'm all fine now. and so much as i still think the slacking life before this was better, i think the present life is quite ok too. it has been really busy but i think i'm coping ok but not that well either. he competition in there will kill me soon but for now its okie. i'm still the same so no worries.
and then i thought everything's going to be smooth sailing but no. everyone in there can play so freaking well that i'm perhaps the lousiest there. and i think everyone's going to do very well all except me. wait this is just a felicia syndrome.
i think i think best alone. sometimes i don't like to be disturbed and i so try not to be affected by what others think. even best friends keep secrets from one another.
and when it comes to matters regarding the heart, i don't give a damn about what others may say. its me and so it shall be me. ans then sometimes you realise that you are alone in this world, many people around but still alone.
i'm scared of expectations. i can't meet expectations. i'm expected to be so many things that i can't be and so many things i want but cant have.
and this is such a long post haha.
lee needed you at 31.7.05
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Sunday, July 17, 2005
school's started and i'm already pigging out. this is so not good. break time saw me and my friends slacking around eating chips. but then i ran 7 rounds today and did 60 sit-ups. how about that haha! and oh no there's school tomoroow which means i got to snap out of my weekend mood and get myself off the bed early tomorrow.
lee needed you at 17.7.05
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Friday, July 15, 2005
alright i lost. alright. just let me see, what's the point of doing everything, but not getting anything back. and i've just been told i had an attitude problem. nice ending to a long day.
wait one thing at the time. the point about doing everything, and anything just so because your feelings say so isn't working. i mean you feel this way, and you just follow it and do it. i felt like eating chips, and i did and i'm feeling fat. oh well that's not the point. oh yes you can do anything you damn well please like doing to grab my attention but i'm never ever going to be bothered in this case because i don't feel like it. i don't feel anything for you, plainly spoken.
and so i felt this way, followed my heart. and ended in such bullshit.
follow your dreams, follow your heart, follow where your feelings lead you to. and at the end of the day what do u get. nothing.
and before i get a lecture saying that dreams will come true if i make it come true, determination is part of following my heart and feelings can always change, i'm forced to say its all rubbish.
i wouldn't label myself a victim. i would just say its my fault. yes foolishness. one hour thinking about it can be more well spent playing chopin on the piano.
and then the attitude problem. alright i was in bad mood. but i was given the i-can't-stand-you what-the-hell kind of treatment. after a few more months we can say byes to such other for an eternity. so what-the-hell treatment shall continue.
i'm just blabbering non-stop like this:gdchgdchjsvhcsjvcfnvjsvm. and i shall stop because people have been hearing me whine, complain, talk rubbish for almost every entire break, lecture and bus or train rides.
lee needed you at 15.7.05
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Wednesday, July 13, 2005
my days are starting to get really tiring. i get up at 7 plus in the morning and don't come back until 9 plus at night. the hectic and stressful life that i hated in jc is going back yet again. oh no. and i once thought that it was the end.
oh yeah. its just the beginning.
lee needed you at 13.7.05
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Thursday, July 07, 2005
i haven't posted for quite some time.
i just came back from orientiation. well sort of. and feelings? well met some great friends, new people, new place. there was a stupid tour around the school, boring talks and whatever. but overall, it was still fine. very tiring though. and after looking at the timetable for the zillion time, i still can't get any head or tail of it.
and the thoughts running through my mind right now? i think i made a stupid choice. ask me more if you want to know. and oh ya, i'm confused.
lee needed you at 7.7.05
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Friday, July 01, 2005
the singapore piano festival opened with a big blast. i went down to catch the first night yesterday, and it was really good. what's more, i sat on the circle seats and had a really good view of the pianist with no one blocking me. i hate stall seats, i only can see people's heads.
anyway, the recital opened with an impressionist music. well, for those who breathes music, it was nice. i like the way he potrayed the colour and tone of the piece. it wasn't very showy but it has technical demand of its own. and then he ended off with rach sonata, which was 110% by the way. so good, what's more to say, i really love it! after that, i went to stand in the line for his autograh and there was this really cute boy standing in front of me. well, definitely not from singapore. he was really young and kept talking to the pianist. and i was right behind him in the line so imagine i had to wait for quite some time. but i heard their conversation and it was eh well, just cute. and then came my turn and i told the pianist that he was really cute and he told me, well talented as well.
oh no why am i rumbling about such things. i wish i was the uk or the states or somewhere where such stuff would be like every week instead of well, once every year.
lee needed you at 1.7.05
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