Friday, September 30, 2005
the open rehearsal at esplanade last night was soso boring that i regret going for it, and in turn giving the piano recital at vch a miss. i thought that since i haven't been to an open rehearsal before, and moreover its free, why not go for it. but after the whole thing, i just felt like i have wasted my night. blame me for being fickle-minded. me and steph wanted to go for the actual thing instead, and then we went to bugis with the intention of buying the tickets for it. but then we changed our mind again, and then we changed our mind again and thought of going since the rehearsal isn't actually the real thing. but then in the end we ended up going for the rehearsal instead because we, or rather me didn't want to spend so much money on a non-piano concert. but at least we managed to see our teacher and she looked so super happy that we were there, kept laughing on the phone and everything and say that she would try to spot us. sigh i really miss those times. it was stressful; yes; but it was really fun and memorable.
and so now we got to write a review on it and goodness knows how to write it. anyway lesson learnt. no more open rehearsal anymore for me that is.
i appreciate the sweet things in life. like how a short, sweet phone conversation could make my day or how a short sms could brighten up my day. and then suddenly i don't understand the meaning of true friends anymore. like does anyone bother in the first place. because you see, humans are selfish people. and probably its just me first, before others. and think about it, despite us being so busy or buried in our own stuff, did we ever think about how other people might be feeling and some may be sad, disappointed or just hurt but not can't seem to bring themselves to say it out.
and so its just like that. me, the world, and that's all.
and so down i go.
i got back my first harmony test on tuesday during lecture. i got a 38 over 50. i know its cosidered good and so many others are worse than me and there are failures also. but i just felt that i haven't done my best. like how i made so many careless mistakes and how i shouldn't have made them. and i know it sounds like i'm just too over-stressed by myself but i was expecting a 40 plus grade. and then again it just a small test. and so i'll get over it soon. its just the perfectionist in me working.
people's been saying i look like some 'wild' girl. i was like HUH. and i got to say that i'm actually a nerd. really. i prefer chilling over a cup of coffee than clubbing. and i bury myself in books or the piano rather than chilling out way in the middle of the night. but of course, there are times when i lose control of myself and go crazy over anything and everything. and i prefer the company of close friends rather than socialising in clubs or whatever. and if there's a test; i'll mug. and if there's a good book that i can't put my eyes off; i'll sit there and read it the whole day. and so me wild? where on earth did that come from.
the weather's so nice today; i'm going for a run.
lee needed you at 30.9.05
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005
it already seems like its going to be a long week. but its probably going to be a nice one too. [and yes i'm eating supper while typing this; which means i've ditch my diet plans as i've broke it within 24 hours. and so pls people start asking me out for suppers again haha.]
and it wasn't my imagination. he did looked twice at me. he did passed by my studio more than twice, each time peeping in to look at me. and made small talk with me. he bought me dinner when i told him i wasn't hungry. and he still stared at my back even when i left and said byes.
no it certainly wasn't my imagination this time round.and i think musicians are weird people. famous musicians sometimes get into depression, think they are not good enough and commit suicide. its such a sad case. like this pianist we watch on the video yesterday during performance class. and he died at age 35. and no i'm not trying to say that musicians die young or i'm going to die young [choy!]. but it is indeed an interesting fact.
the law of diminishing returns. this economics law that has been stucked in my head thanks to the days of A levels. and i was just thinking about it while walking home tonight. maybe some people are just like this. their life path follow this law.
lee needed you at 27.9.05
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Sunday, September 25, 2005
i felt an urge to jog at the stadium after i came back from church but guess what. the stadium was closed for some don't know what activities. oh sigh. and i don't like the feeling of jogging around the neighbourhood so in the end i headed home.
i'm getting paranoid here. because i feel as if i've really put on a lot of weight. like since stepping into nafa. the food, stress and everything. which is bad because i really don't need the extra kilos. ok then so there goes the late-night suppers and the million meals a day. now let's say i'm going to try it for a week and see if i survive.
i was thinking: is it just a girl-thing to feel fat? because i think my brother is worse. he's like so health minded nowadays. craziness. and so i'm influenced now. and he even commented i'm fat and i need to lose weight. people, hear that.
so conclusion? i'm on a diet now la.
lee needed you at 25.9.05
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Saturday, September 24, 2005
i'm really moody now and i don't know why. perhaps its just the weather. and i think its a bit due to everything else. like for example i was just told today that i give people a wrong impression. and because of that i hurt someone's feelings. and no one gave me a chance to explain things. bong and there cuts the phone line. and i was thinking maybe i did indirectly gave the wrong impression or maybe he thought so but i didn't and right at the start i made matters clear. and what could i do except say a sorry.
sigh i think recently i have been made a victim of many things. and naturally being the victim doesn't give you a good feeling. it just sucks to the core. nothing is ever right. but then i think i've found the balance in life. the balance that makes me smile all day.
my relationship with God is going downhill. i don't consult God in anything that i do anymore. i've stop believing that God has a plan for me in everything because i don't see any right now. and just last sunday we had a discussion on yf and i realised that i've slacken a lot. so much so that i don't know how or why it has. i havent had any place for God now in my life. and i feel really disappointed with myself because i know God hasnt forgotton me when i've slowly deserted him. yet again, the ropes attached arent tighten yet.
i sometimes prefer to be alone. its not weird. its just sometimes a nice feeling to be left alone. i woke up early in the morning for a jog around the stadium. jog for a total of six rounds and yet i still feel fat. and worse still i think i've been eating a lot since coming into nafa and i'm getting hungry always too. weird i've never been like this. now i have to munch at least something when doing stuff.
i like it best in the middle of the night. and how i wish i live in some house that stands on a hill or something and i can play the piano in the middle of the night. somehow with the night so calm and quiet and everything, it just seems like nice. as compared to sweating out over the piano with scales at midnight.
and i gave sports day a miss today. i hope i didnt miss out much.
lee needed you at 24.9.05
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Tuesday, September 20, 2005
i guess the previous two entries didn't sound so good. and i certainly didn't mind to sound depressed or anything. let's just say that some thoughts can't be put in the most perfect words. just like sometimes we don't think before we say something and so end up not actually meaning what we say.
and i think i'm so dead at the end of every day. so dead that i'll have no energy to think, do or complete anything. just like how i have to get my portfolio done but all i came up with in the last hour or so was a pathetic looking mindmap, with no details at all. and then i've theory papers to do. and lots of stuff to read up on. it just makes me feel like the lousiest- lousiest freind, lousiest person, lousiest student, lousiest daughter.
get used to it? i'm not. actually still not really in the depth of it. i don't think i will ever get used to it. and then maybe i'll just haven't tried. its certainly mind-straining and furthermore, its like an everyday kind of thing.
i never really thought about it but i think i'm really fortunate. i think my mom and dad are really the greatest people on earth. they really care and love me. they give me whatever i want, provide me the best of everything, make sure i get everything that i should get and then support me in like almost everything. not pmapered in a sense. but i've never thought of how privileged i am. and then i think i'm making my dad really angry with me over my handphone bill this month. it went really high, so much that i'm feeling quite bad about it. and if only i knew how it happened, then i'll never had allowed it to happen. and you know why i'm feeling lousy too- i can't seem to say even a sorry, not just for that- for many things that happened too.
alright. its now back to either one more hour for digging my brain cells or heading of to dreamland. and guess which one i chose. haha no prizes and anyway my eyes feel like closing already.
lee needed you at 20.9.05
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Monday, September 19, 2005
today was so super boring i tell you. the concert at yms was so boring. i guess its not that the pieces were boring, just that i was really tied out and further more i don't like the place. and it was kind of too long.
after that i had a really nice talk. and i really appreciated it because its just so hard to find someone whom you can really talk with. and if only the night could just carry on and on and never grow old... but we had so many things to just talk to each other that the time spent tonight just didn't seem enough.
it made me think. about a lot of things. some of which are going through my head now. and i think starbucks coffee isn't doing me good. for the first time, its making me sleepy.
learn to let go. i know its easier said than done but you will and i know you will! and don't worry, we'll be behind you all the way. you go girl!
lee needed you at 19.9.05
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Friday, September 16, 2005
and here i am sick again. so i didnt go for history tutorial today.
sometimes i wonder whenever the world is a nice place at all. and how life would be if everything is perfect. as in really perfect. everyone gets along well with each other, loving, caring and no such funny crimes. like the murder in the orchard scene. that totally gross me out. i still remembered on that friday i was down at the music school and one of the other piano teachers just came in and she went about saying: oh my goodness you all know that a head was found at orchard mrt?! and i had to be the first to speak: what! are you serious! and i thought it was all a joke, till i saw the news and read the papers.
its not that i don't like everyone around me. its just the feeling that i don't fit into anything. like how i wouldn't be able to hold a proper conversation with anyone. sure we all had our hi-es and byes. but what lies beneath? and if i bring myself one scope down the level, i don't know what to talk about really. all i can think of is music, music and more music. its not that music is not good. anyway i'm supposed to be working on my bach now oh no, but too much of it is not good. like how much more practice you put in and nothing comes out.
alright i'm not a kind of person who always look at the bright side of things. sometimes i prefer to face reality. like whatever is happening in my life right now.
and i certainly don't think about him anymore. because it prrobably never going to stop and end just right there. i just wish that time could unwind itself and i could do something about it.
talking about reality, the weekends are coming up. yippee! like finally a break. well not really a break. but this weekends there's so much to do. meet up with friends, catch a movie, and there rach piano concerto 3 on sat night too. its going to be great. and talking about this, i was so pissed when a classmate said really louldly in class in front of the teachers. eek i don't like barber piano concerto, its not nice when oh my gooodness its so so nice that my heart melts whenever i hear it and i'm in love with it literally.
i still got four hours straight of teaching later on when my throat feels as if its on fire. and i'm practicing my left hand part on the piano while typing this.
lee needed you at 16.9.05
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Sunday, September 11, 2005
i had a sudden attack of sore throat, flu, fever and headache over the span of yesterday. and i think its just all the rehearsals and the concert and all the last nights.
and so now i'm stuck at home. i took like 6 pandaols in a row last night because i coulldnt take it anymore but at least it worked and i'm so much better now. probably up and about too. i'm been slacking just so much that i feel that i'm lacking so much behind the rest and it isn't a good feeling at all.
and i've decided. so much for whatever. what's past is past. its history now anyway. talking about history, i skipped history tutorial just last friday morning because of the concert on thurs night and i felt too sleepy to wake up and get my butt to school.
so that's all. kids are so spolit now that they have a handphone when they are primary four. what is the world turning to man?
lee needed you at 11.9.05
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Friday, September 09, 2005
the concert ended last night. it went quite alright, at least it went better than the rehearsals so thank God. and at least i managed to survived the whole thing. the fun, laughter, joy and hard work. it was there. my mom and dad came down to watch and boy, i really loved them. they were just great. they dont really know music, but they love music and really support me and my music.
and its about time. its about time i start hearing other people and what they tell me. because i always believe in myself and i always prove myself wrong time and again. i did at one point believe, but now it doesn't prove so. why go i still hang on there? because someone once told me: God has a plan, just be patient. i'm patient but i just don't think i'm following God'd plan at all. and that's why it's about time i brain-wash myself or something.
so be it. i'm sick of tired of everything. and so be it. i simply give up. i;m just going sit down, watch the world go round and ask, whatever is happening now.
lee needed you at 9.9.05
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Sunday, September 04, 2005
i'm just sick of putting up a brave front to everyone. seemingly smiling all the time to everyone and anyone that someone just had to ask me: why am i so happy all the time. and i got to reply that i don't know, that its part of me to keep a smile on my face even though everything's not going in my way. but when i'm alone, its just that sickening feeling again.
its that feeling: hurt and i don't like it. and its more than just that. if there's anyway to get rid of everything i'm feeling now, i would gladly do it because right now, i just don't feel great. and its not that i let these feelings go in my way and not do anything about it, beacuse its just so hard. its just. easier said than done. and because i've tried, but i just fail. and its not that i'm shutting my ears to everyone or anything else, its just that its so hard to do what i should do because its easier said than done.
and you know what's hurt? hurt is indirect. it doesnt take much to hurt someone. it just takes a few words, a few actions and maybe a few minutes. that's all. hurt means a lot of things. it doesnt just means sad. or disappointed. its means more than just that. [and the person who feels hurt feels more than just hurt]
i have to stop thinking. i mean stop thinking so much. and why is it affecting me so much when it shouldnt. shouldnt because its shouldnt even have started, shouldnt even have ended up this way. and shouldnt because it sounds so silly.
just like this. i need to. get a grip of myself, strighten things up, and get my life sorted out again. it doesnt work to just cry but i can't help it especially when you've been through all this.
lee needed you at 4.9.05
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Friday, September 02, 2005
i think i'm stupid. as in not that stupid, more like mad, insane...dumb?
i had lunch today at fish and co with the gang. haha so long since we last met up, or rather since i last met up with them. and i got a new hobby. well not actually a hobby but birkenstock shoes are really addicative. goodness i bought my second pair of shoes today after much freaking and whinnings over it. i wish i can like just own the whole shop.
anyway i have tons of rehearsals next week and it just puts me off that the whole world (or rather most) will be free the next week because they are having their school holidays. town will be like really filled with people next week. i want to do all my shopping like maybe tomorrow.
my heart and mind just conflicts one another. i can't seem to put my feet down. i need time. maybe time will help.
lee needed you at 2.9.05
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