Sunday, October 30, 2005
atcl exam on 24th nov. bleahs. study break next week. exams the following week. practicals on 15th nov. then HOLIDAYS.
i'm really choinging portfolios now. like the first time since school started that i'm doing WORK. and then next week would be the first time since school started that i'm seriously STUDYING. so much things to study, so little time. and then i've promised myself that i'm going to slong like crazy over the piano.
concert went alright. mom and dad came over to watch. brothers couldn't make it. the soloists from school of young talent were not bad. and oh ya. mummy looked so pretty that day! heh. theory exam the next day at some funny hotel ballroom. reached the place, took the lift to the third floor and pooh, saw a whole row of people everywhere, along the corridors, near the pillars reading or mugging right up tot he last minute. change the books for guns and you think they going for war. heh funny sight. saw two familar faces but can't recall where i've seen them before. i got my fees worth. it was so freezing cold that my nose started giving me trouble. asked for tissue and two packets came along. i was lead to my table, and my chair pulled out by quite a cute guy, and in quite a nice voice that might make girls melt he said "all the best". and oh ya. his smile was like so so charming. but paper was a killer. i spent a whole three hours cracking my brains over 5 questions.
he left; and i sort of miss him. i don't know why too. perhaps i just took people for granted. and perhaps we don't treasure what we have until its gone. its just hard to take the neutral stand. and maybe i'm just a little naive.
i realised too that when you aren't close to God, then probably nothing's ever going to turn out right. my relationship with God is awful and i don't know what else word to use. and i think if we only can learn to depend on God, he will see us through everything. and maybe that's why everything has not been turning out alright.
lee needed you at 30.10.05
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Monday, October 24, 2005
i'm dying from a lack of sleep.
i realised music can evoke a lot of feelings from a person. like today's commuter concert, i really enjoyed it. works by scrabin and chopin, esp chopin. whee really nice.
and i really really got to work harder. i never ever give up halfway. its just not me. what i need though is motivation and i think school isn't helping me much.
i'm scared of expectations. its not a good feeling to know that you can't reach it but no choice you have to. i didn't feel myself last night partly because of a lot of reasons. what's more i don't think i'll be alright for quite a long while.
i badly needed a run on sat. i jog a total of 8 rounds and after that, i felt so terribly good. like running makes me release some stress, makes me forgot about everything just for that short time and makes me just feel good about myself. and i think its my new hobby.
soem randon thoughts from nowhere. its bedtime for me now.
lee needed you at 24.10.05
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Saturday, October 22, 2005
#1: i'm allegic to makeup-foundation.
from mon onwards, my skin was like peeling and who stared at my face long enough thought i went sun-tanning. but i didn't so i dont know what on earth was wrong with my face. and then it got worse and so i thought it must be the heat, dry air, humid weather etc. but then i realised just today that i'm allegic to foundtaion. so its bye to makeup for me for at least two weeks. or that is till my skin heals naturally.
i have grade 8 theory exam next sat. shit and concert is like on the day before. i dont think i will make the mark for theory because i dont think i will. my teacher thinks that i can get at least a merit and i was like are you sure? and she stared at me and says she's not kidding. i think i will just walk out of the exam hall after 40 mins and give a failing script.
anyway the reason why my posts seem to be so lagging is because i had no time to post. its the time of the year. exams, projects deadlines, presentations, portfolios submission. and talking about all this, i've got to chiong my portfolio after this. and that's a sigh. its just never-ending. i can't wait for everything to be over.
#2: i wish i didnt have a heart
that's so i can so things based on my own thinking, not feeling. so that i can do things that are right, and not do things that i feel is right. is different isn't it. because if i choose to do things that i feel is right, then probably i would have done something that i regreted. and at the end of it all, i don't like choices, because i'm scared of regrets. and so i chose to IGNORE it. and i've been ignoring it since.
#3: i'm an impatient teacher
i just got a new student. four year plus. and i think there's something really wrong with him. he doesnt know what is right hand and left hand, doesnt know the difference between his right hand and left hand. doesnt knwo where is thumb is. and after 30mins, he was still on the first song: using second and third finger to play two black keys. and oh ya he doesnt know black key or white keys either. even though black keys are black and white keys are white. tecaher got pissed, couldnt take it anymore. transfer him off. and she went home.
lee needed you at 22.10.05
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Sunday, October 09, 2005
and so i did get my hair dyed. after much fussing about on friday lunch at marche. and girls, i finally made a decision and did it. i dyed it reddish-black or whatever you call it(: dying hair is so cool, as in i mean being the one who dye other people's hair. i came home and told my mum that if i never ever make it to be a pianist or teacher, i would try my hands at being a colour stylist. and she so totally freaked out.
i will never try to attempt to think about what i've eaten this week and whether my weight has gone up, but i went to the gym today. and really worked out. all this on a sunday morning, before choir and church. it didn't made me feel tired, instead i felt more awake. surprising isn't it, how so much sleep can actually do the reverse for your body. like how i woke up at 12 noon on sat, and felt so tired when i came home from all the shopping. talking about shopping, i saw this really pretty skirt from mango. really really soso pretty. i tried it on and it looked great and i almost couldn't resist it. but it cost a freaking 85 dollars and i promised myself that this month i would only window shop because i've really bought like a hundred and one thing. but i don't mind if someone gave me that as a present or something(:
i hate sat nights. singaporens are so kiasu they must be the first to be there for ny kind of sales. the crowd, pushing, squezzing through, trying to find a place to walk even puts me off. but what to do, i'm only free to do the stuff i want, meet up with friends and shop only on the weekends because weekdays i'm so packed that i can't even breathe. and if you'll ever see my timetable for next week, all my nights like full because of teaching, even my beloved mon night is taken up. so all the bad moods, mood swings and insane moments will come in next week i tell you. because the school's so heartless and parents think i'm free 24 hours a day.
i don't thing i can handle stress. emotional stress that is. because once again, it boils down to the same question. and i'm been trying to shun away from it. and i was just telling a friend, its been more than 2 years being single. like i never did realise and i don't think any of those i had lasted for that long even. so perhaps its better this way, why not. since there are tons of other stuff to bother about also.
and also because at the end of the day, i just want the freedom. i dread committments. i can't be committed to all my deadlines, timetable, duties, responisibilities etc even. i just hate committments. i hate to be committed to one guy and assume that guy is all perfect, the one for me because i never believe in such stuff. and how would you know whether that guy is the all so perfect one for you, because you see its unpredictable. the unpredictable part of everything. like how someone could be so fit, and then collaspe the next moment. like how someone so successful could become retrench. and like how death could strike a person, anytime and anywhere.
this is so weird. how did i ever end up talking like this. i'm going to sleep.
lee needed you at 9.10.05
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Wednesday, October 05, 2005
TRUST; ever thought about it?
TRUST;the trait of trusting; of believing in the honesty and reliability of others.
TRUST;complete confidence in a person or plan etc.
TRUST;have confidence or faith in.
what makes friendship? true friendship. because you see, firnedship and trust goes hand-in-hand. i don't see maintaining a friendship that has no trust in it.
i don't know what to do really. and some things need not to be said. apologies for any insane moments that felikitty has. she's just not herself these few days. many things for her brain to think. but the problem is, her brain is not functioning properly. and actually, it never did in the first place.
school's getting boring. BACH is getting boring. he's a boring person.
lee needed you at 5.10.05
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Saturday, October 01, 2005
i'm starting to feel it. its that feeling again.
somehow i feel blessed. i never felt lonely. never ever felt deprived. and i think i got to be thankful somehow. or should i say i'm learning.
i see a lot of kids in school uniform holding hands and i was like oh man. kids these days really mature so fast. and when i was in secondary school, i was just a geeky girl wearing geeky glasses, carrying a big heavy bag, wearing super long skirts and having a geeky hair that says i'm a typical nerd. i didn't own a handphone, didn't have any electronic gadgets and of course, i don't think i ever had a boyfriend.
sometimes people crave loneliness and that's why they start looking for a partner, their other half, fall in love and in the end get married. sometimes i really wonder. why are they lonely? are they desperate? or do they crave being loved and feeling loved. or do they want to get married for the sake for not staying single all the rest of their life, have kids and help singapore's ageing population?
and then again. is it better to wait for the ideal guy or just go for any guy that pays special attention to you. because everyone says its better to be loved than to love someone. and i think i need help.
i'm quite happy. i think my techniques have improved a little little bit. don't worry i'll work hard. because i have promised someone i would.
lee needed you at 1.10.05
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