Friday, February 24, 2006
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
alright that makes about 10 times. i need to get it out after my collection of my f*cked up results and after a f*cked day. and if i look back at this entry a few days from now, i would think myself as too crude, direct and incapable of controlling things. but right now, that's about all that's in my head now.
i must be the biggest failure in life. think about it. over a thousand for the exam itself and at least ten thousand for the preparation of it. and at the end of it, i dont get anything, never did achieve anything. all i did get was, something that told me i didnt make it by a fucked up 4 marks. put a gun through my head and i'll tell you i dont want to take it again because i'm sick and tired of it already. point a sword at my parents and they will say they will never want to spend any
more money on their pathetic daughter who ends up with nothing at the end of the day.
i thought the trip to the museum was quite good today. singapore arts scene may be the worst and most boring module but trips to the museum beats better than sitting in the freezing hall for a two hours lecture.
today is the 24th. tomorrow is the 25th feb. this is what i'm going to say in the morning:
hi dad, i didnt make it for my exam. sorry dad. but actually happy birthday to you.may the angels watch me from heaven. a run sounds nice. icecream sounds even nicer. i feel like tearing it up but something just stops me. not yet. its not about being emotionally. its just like failing something that you love very much. cheer up. cheer up. whatever, leave me alone.
the ONCE-smiling me.
lee needed you at 24.2.06
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Thursday, February 23, 2006
i just don't feel good venting my frustrations right here. blogger probably wont reject my entry but then. its just a pity to vent the frustrations which i'm feeling now. anyway i just got the letter, and most probably, like i say most probably will be collecting the results tomorrow. and God please bless me because i think i'm going to fail.
anyway i'm trying to look at the positive side of it. and anyway i HATE all the amount of work that is piling up. its just so f*cked up when you know you got to have to complete so much work but you dont know where to start and what to do. i know its depressing. and i had a depressing principal study lesson today anyways. so much for a nice day after a really good night.
i'm craving for pizzas now. the mocha at coffee club tasted so bad i just had to demand for a new one, by saying loudly that it sucks. and i want to sleep, need more sleep too, but i need to complete by work to show evidence that i'm a good student who doesn't really pon lesson, and i need to keep my mom's mouth shut by her talk of guys and everything else.
ring me up at midnight. i promise you that you will get a piece of my mind.
lee needed you at 23.2.06
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Sunday, February 19, 2006
i just don't feel like doing anything at all. instead, i feel like lying down on the sandy beach, listening to the waves and be just still for that few minutes. the thing is i just woke up from a deep and quite long sleep (or nap you mean). i needed it, but now my head feels as if a thousand rocks are crashing on it.
i'm immune to panadols. someone please save me.
choices.decided. the close of a chapter. the start of another one. i love living life unexpectedly, i wish there's something unexpected and surpising for me tomorrow. being told that i'm a fine pianist today did indeed boost my confidence level by a million time. laugh all you can. i never did care what others thought about me anyway, if i did i'll probably me a depressed kid by now.
lee needed you at 19.2.06
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Saturday, February 11, 2006
new job. great school. great students. in short, i love doing what i'm doing now. and ah-moh girls are so so pretty i tell you. i got a 15 year old ahmoh student who has just about the perfect(or close to) features that any girl dream of having. and so polite attitude that any teacher would be pleased at.
i thought it was valentine's day today when i took a jog around the park today. so many couples were holding hands and walking and all the time i had to say: excuse me. anyway i met this really cute couple with a really cute dog. and i made friends with them and played with their dog (and yes i know its my first time i actually touch a dog). they were a great couple and the husband plays the cello while the wife plays the violin. and talking about valentine's day, i got this feeling that it will be just great, or memorable, or simple just a dread.
and i think there's this funny definition of how singaporeans define love. they think love equals kissing, expensive gifts, and other outward affections. it so naive, so not real. i find it truly amazing how old couples can still hold hands and walk down the streets, as compared to young couples having an expensive meal at some restaurant and then making out say at a romantic park. there's nothing wrong with it, just that love should always first come from the heart and i think when there's love, it can be felt.
i admire my mum and my dad. they are such a lovely couple, really. they have their usual walks, and their private conversations behind closed doors every night. the communication between them just amazes me and they never fail to think of each other always. i want to grow old just being like them, that simple love is really hard to find nowadays. they dish out surprised at each other, and of course i'm always the one who knows them all first.
and like i say, valentine's day has become too-taken-for-granted. its jusat another day, and maybe a day for businesses to earn more money judging from all the valentine's day packages advertised. the dinners, flowers, gifts and what's nots. and perhaps i should just think about selling flowers on that day for a few extra bucks.
lee needed you at 11.2.06
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Wednesday, February 08, 2006
you know strangers can have a lot of power over the way we think. their words especially will leave a great impact. and guess what, her words are still ringing in my head.
if you are going to seriously study music, you need to eat, sleep and dream music. she said that really.
i hate the weather nowadays and its not as if i got nothing to talk about, but really. the weather depicts my mood. especially when you are in cold freezing nafa, and then you walk out and the temperature is wow. (so cold man.) from north pole to i dont-know-what pole. like walking to bugis and back is so bad i don't want to talk about it. i still want a swim though.
and it just daunt on me last night that i can't ever ever forget him completely. i don't think i ever would, no matter how hard i try. like how i was talking to a friend, how sad it is that some guy wouldn't give up things to make a relationship work. how we silly girls would do anything and everything but it just takes two hands to clap. how we would sacrifice ourselves just to do something really sweet, but then in the end it just boils down to nothing. and how we would go all the way out to make him happy, but we just get hurt in then end. i just can't erase him from my mind. its just this void that can't be filled no matter how hectic my schedules are, the fun and laughter with friends, the nights-out or anything at all.
i juts got to inject the word. impossible into my brain. and oh ya, sleepover at my place on valentine's day, babes?
HAPPPY BIRTHDAY TO KUTU (WEIQI). i'll give you a kiss tomorrow when i see you(:
lee needed you at 8.2.06
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Monday, February 06, 2006
i PASSSSSSEEEEEEEDDDD my grade 8 theory. its like a miracle. whee. alright not really fanastic but why am i still so happy. because anyone who knows about my connection with theory basically knows that its really really a miracle. alright, which explains the insane range of marks like 22/25 for one question and then 16/25 for another question.
alright then- next stop. battling with something else. nothing is ever easy. just believe miracles can sometimes happen too.
lee needed you at 6.2.06
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Saturday, February 04, 2006
i realised how music can truly affect your soul. and likewise, good music is not just about notes only, its something more of its interpretation. on this aspect, i don't like performers who play 99.9% correct notes, technically showy or demanding passages. i like to just sit there and get inspired. and Liszt sonata is just so absolutely beautiful. i wasn't feeling right on one night, took the recording out and just listened. and i fell asleep. it was just so nice, the pianist was li yundi by the way (and the best thing was that he just turned 20 when he recorded it). beautiful like i said, i totally adored his playing and like i say, it helped me feel a lot better.
anyway i survived a two hour interview yesterday. and i don't think anyone would have an interview like mine. seriously. i was just so bored to death there and basically wished that it would end faster. the only time when i kind of enjoyed myself was when we started to talk about music, and then piano and then other things relating to music.
and i'm so sorry if this happens to be a musical post, blame it on the fact that i have to get my mind back into shape since school is starting pretty soon. serious pigging out week today. ate like 3 lunches and two dinners everyday. had desserts for almost every meal. and last night i just had a sinful ice-cream at coffee club. and today will be another pigging out day what with my great-grandmother's birthday party later at night.
...................
i just knew i had to let it go, hard though it may seem. it isn't the end of the world. i would say its a turning point, a learning experience. its just for the better. and i think i prefer things to be this way, really. i appreciate everything. it will be somewhere in my memories for a long time to come.
and then sometimes you just crave a long nice night out clubbing with your girlfriends coupled with supper. or shopping or just a nice leisure walk. most of all, i was love talking rubbish on the phone.
lee needed you at 4.2.06
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Thursday, February 02, 2006
i have got to stop thinking someday, and then i think my life would be better. i don't like this feeling when i get from thinking too much or worrying too much because like it or not, the outcome would still be the same.
i know i'm not talking sense. i don't think i ever would from the whole pile of work that's got to be done. and my practicing has gone downhill again. and then there's this extra committment to the other work that i have almost decided as of yet. welcome hectic schedule again. and i'm so fat now because i couldn't get my ass of bed to run today, it wasn't in the morning btw, it was evening. i need space, but yet i think this space has been causing much trouble.
sleepover was fun last night btw. they girls came over to my place, had a dinner cum supper cooked nonetheless by me. it was good alright. starters, main couse, desserts. whee. haven't cooked like that for quite some time. the silly things we did, everything really. eventful night where i could just be myself.
finally over with vistations and stuff. time to enjoy the rest of the holidays.
and then like i've been telling myself, i'm perfectionist. i'll put in my best to make things well, make things to be what i want. and then to be happy with the way they turn out to be.
lee needed you at 2.2.06
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